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So, one day my neighbor decides he wants to buy a lawn mower. Needless to say, he did not have all the money he needed to purchase the mower. He comes to me, knowing that I am in the market for a mower myself and says "Hey, Bob has a mower he wants to sell, and he wants 60 bucks for it." I inquire as to what the mower is like, and I get the "oh, its a great mower. It is one of those old rotary mowers." I of-course say, why would I pay 60 dollars for a mower that doesn't have an engine on it. He says, "It has an engine, and it runs and cuts grass great." I tell him I will think about it.

Over the next week, I am continually pestered about my part of the money for the mower. I finally cave, and tell him I will give him the 30 dollars. I give him the money, and that afternoon the mower appears at the neighbors house. I go check it out, pull the cord, and what do you know. It starts.

The next day, I am watching the neighbor mow his lawn. He would mow one length and then stop and make an adjustment, and then mow another length and then make an adjustment. Naturally, I figure he will have it all dialed in before I get to use it. Great, I spent 30 bucks, and I will get a mower that is all adjusted, and I can simply cut the lawn.

3 days later, I decide to mow my lawn. I walk over to the neighbors and grab the mower. I fill it with gas, and start it up. I start mowing the lawn, and notice that my grass is not getting any shorter. WTF, I say, and go ask the neighbor what has happened to the mower we bought. When I arrive, I notice only half of his lawn is mowed. So I enquire about the mower. He says, "I made some adjustments, and removed some extra weight." I said, "It appears that you removed the part that pinches the grass between the blades." He says "You do not need that part." I asked him if he had looked at his lawn since he mowed it. He said, "no."

Now I am a fairly intelligent guy, and so I felt like I was dealing with a 3-year-old child that had been locked in a closet for the entirety of their life. "Are you kidding me?" I said. "Only half of your lawn is mowed. I guess you just combed the rest huh?" He just looks at me and says "I guess I wasn't paying attention." I said, I guess not, where are the parts. You know they put these things on the mower for a reason." He points to a pile of parts.

I grab the parts, and start to put them back on the mower. After about 4 hours of messing with this mower, I finally got it to cut the grass. The adjustments were a pain in the butt. So I mowed my lawn and it looked nice. I took the mower back over to the neighbor, and said, "Try it now brainy." I think it should be noted that this idiot has a bachelors degree in engineering.

So for about a month and a half, the mower is running great, and I am able to mow my lawn without issue. I notice that the neighbors lawn keeps getting longer and longer. Like a foot long. These mowers will not cut grass that is that long. 8 inches at the most, otherwise the grass bends under the mower and never hits the blades. Anyone who has used a mower like this surely understands what I am talking about.

In the mean time, the idiot starts a fight with my wife, and she being the alpha-bi**h of the property wins. I wont get into what it is about, but it was completely stupid of him to start the fight in the first place. I think it is the whole attitude of I have a degree and you don't, that may have caused it. He is always right, and has experienced everything.

Anyway, I stay out of the argument. I continue to talk to him and be cordial about life on "The Ranch." Yes I live on a ranch that is about 1000 acres, and actually the are four homes on it. So keeping the peace is important because the owner of the ranch lives here as well.

So last Friday, I see the neighbor get the mower out to start mowing, and he notices that me and the property owner are pouring a concrete pad off of the driveway for him to access a garage he has been working on for a while. There are like 6 of us working on this, and the idiot comes up and actually says, while we are in the process of bull floating for the finish, "Is it OK if I mow my lawn." The property owner, just looks at him and says you have had 6 weeks to mow that lawn, and there better not be any grass clippings in my finish work, or you will pay for it to be removed and replaced." Idiot says, and he actually said this.... "Well how much does that cost?" I thought the old man was going to come completely unglued. I actually walked away with the other 4 guys to keep from laughing at the situation.

Idiot did not mow his lawn that day, but he left the mower sitting out under some trees. I noticed it there when I left on Saturday and Sunday morning. I came back on Sunday, and it was there. I went to go mow on Sunday evening and it was gone. The neighbor was gone until Wednesday, and when I noticed he was home, I went over to talk to him.

I have to believe that this hippie has possibly smoked so much weed and drank so much beer that he is suffering from paranoid delusions. I have heard from idiot at least 20 times about stuff that has been stolen from him on "The Ranch" as he calls it. Now, I live on this ranch as well. I leave my doors unlocked and my windows open all day and all night, because I know that if someone that does not belong here comes on "The Ranch" they will be challenged, and possibly shot before they have a chance to turn around.

I have at least 10000 dollars worth of electronics in my home. Televisions, computers, cell phones, ipods, DVD Players, Nintendo DSi's, and just about anything else you can think of that could be pawned for drug money or whatever someone wanted. Why is it that none of my stuff goes missing? I ask myself. I guess it could be the 2 boxers I have, but I doubt it. The male would probably lick you to death, and the female would growl at the male thinking he was getting something she wasn't. Not to mention we live 10 miles outside of a town that is actually smaller than the land we live in the middle of. Then I ask myself, why is it that people steal my neighbors weed, pipes, beer, food, pornographic magazines, and move his cats toy around? Does this sound odd to any of you out there, and if it does not, is it possible that you suffer from the same malfunctioning brain cells he is.

So again, I go to talk to idiot about the mower. He actually tells me..... "I can not find it." I said "What do you mean you cannot find it." He says I hope someone stole the piece of sh*t. "I tell him that I doubt anyone stole it, and I would appreciate it if he would let me know when he figures out where he has misplaced it." I haven't heard from idiot in a few days now, and the mower still is nowhere to be found.

Hummmmmm, Maybe the lawn mower gods came and took it.

With Friends, No Neighbors Like You Who Needs Enemies......

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